my God is awesome :)

hey Zesters :)
so i know that my last few post have been kind of EMO :( sorry about that but i wanted to let you all know that there are a few updates that i wanted to share with you all :) life has been crazy the last 2 and half weeks there is still something that i am not going to share just yet just know that it is going well and that God placed it right were it needed to be. :) next thing is i know that my last few post have been praying that God would give me a job that i loved and something that i would be great at i thought that for sure it was going to be an office job i must have sent out about 100 resumes and been on about 10 or so interviews with not so much as an offer i was trying the cutco thing and while i thought that i was a sells persons and i know that i am it just that in this stage of life i don't have it in me to be as cut throat as i needed to be for this job. so i went in and told my manger that i was trying my hardest i was even asking for help with no change that i needed something that was going to make me some money he said that he understood and i turned in my kit and was gone about a week later i get a call from my manger telling me to take my resume to whatever address and tell them that i was a friend of his so i did and i met with one of the owners she was pretty awesome and then she told me that she would let me know at the beginning of the next week if they wanted me to come in for an interview  so at this point i was thinking ok so this is not going to be something that is going to work so kind of gave up on it so the next day which was a friday i was on the phone with my aunt when i get a call from one of the owners and she asked me if i would be willing to go in the next day for an interview with both owners and i jumped at the chance so i went in the next day and have an interview which i thought was awesome until the end when they told me that they would let me know at the beginning of the week so again i went back to ok this was just other practice interview so didn't think about it really on sunday seeing as it was easter i was having a great time with my church family and then on monday i was not feeling to hot so i stayed in bed and sometime that afternoon i got a call from the other owner telling me that they wanted to offer me a job :) i was so excited so i started working this week which it is hard but i am loving every minute of  learning that i am getting oh i didn't tell you what i am doing ... it's one of my bucket list jobs to work at a coffee house :) so now i just need to get some friends that live on that side of town and have them come in all the time so now my prayer is housing i have no idea were i want to live i know that i want to stay in NE but work is in SE so i am praying to see where GOd is going to have me go 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

hey Zesters ok that is a really long title but i think that it has every thing that i need right  now. so in my last post i said that i had some big things happening, and oh man this life changing thing is kicking my butt.  but i know that at the end of it i will be a better person for it. so lets see what else.... i think that i have been having a really hard time lately with trust.  i am not one that can trust people easily and if it looks like i am trusting you i would take a second look. i have had my share of hurt and because of this every time that i am hurt i build a wall that i am know is going to be really hard to tear down one of the has to do with my family there is some much dishonesty, distrust, and well just about every dis you can think of.  because of this i have a hard time believing that one people love me, i can say that i know that they do but i have a hard time taking it past that because for me to love has always been conditional with both sides of my family  i see it more with my dad then with anyone going up i felt used by him a lot mostly in high school with his now ex girlfriend. when i was in high school "miss Ann" had and her son lived with us and that one was hard for me because at this time i really only wanted my home life to be me my sister and my dad ( this maybe selfish but this was never the case in any other point of my life ) will somehow they ( my dad and miss ann ) got the idea that i was a built in babysitter so it was not uncommon they would leave to go to the "store" and be gone for hours to the point were if i had plans i would have to cancel them to stay with my little brother i was the one that would cook for him and get him ready for bed.  more towards the end of my high school career they got in the habit of going to the casino two or three times a week and sometimes they would make it back before we went to bed or before we got up but more often then not they wouldn't get back until it was past time for me to leave for school, this became a habit my senior year that one of my teachers asked me one day what the problem was as she was getting ready to send me to dentition for my share of tradies when i told her what was going on she made it a point that as long as i checked in with her before i went to my class she would talk with that teacher and made sure that i was not counted as late even if that meant that i had to be at school on saturday to make up the class work due. so to get back on track i said all that to say that i did feel use because if at any point i told my dad that i didn't want to watch my brother he would get upset and said that it was his house and if i wanted to live there that i need to do what he told me to do. i think that both me and my sister have picked up on this and we hang a lot of things over each others  heads until the other one does one of two things gives in or gives up. i am still like this with my dad it helps that i am about a whole state away from him. i want to believe that my dad was trying his best and looking at his childhood i could say that he was doing better. don't me wrong i love my dad and out of 5 kids i think that only 2 of us can say that but there is some much in my life that i think could have been better if my dad would have changed when he had that chance. i have been hearing the same lines my whole life, and no my little has to hear them too but i think that she will not go though what i went though she is a firecracker if i ever met one she is only 6 but you will never have to worry about what she is thinking she will let you know. i have very few fears about her i think that she can get disrespectful and when i tell my day that he would never let talk like that he tells me that there is almost 20 years between us and that is wants to do things differently. so in short i have lots of walls that i have put up because of my dad and i am slowly putting them down because i am learning what a fathers love can be like God has been so good to me and i will never look back on the decison that i made to follow him 9+ years ago. i thank God for also showing me that a earthly  father can show me the same love i have some pretty awesome examples of Fathers here in Portland 2 that stand above all would be my great friend Don who i know only wants the best for me and shows and tells me that he loves me every time that i see him. and the the other would be my best friends dad who is so old school it awesome. i really can't wait for the day that i have a daughter and i get to see her with her dad i pray everyday that my daughter will know how much she is loved but not just her earthly parents but more so by her heavenly father.  and i hope that it will be her father that lets her know how much she is loved by both her fathers.