For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

hey Zesters ok that is a really long title but i think that it has every thing that i need right  now. so in my last post i said that i had some big things happening, and oh man this life changing thing is kicking my butt.  but i know that at the end of it i will be a better person for it. so lets see what else.... i think that i have been having a really hard time lately with trust.  i am not one that can trust people easily and if it looks like i am trusting you i would take a second look. i have had my share of hurt and because of this every time that i am hurt i build a wall that i am know is going to be really hard to tear down one of the has to do with my family there is some much dishonesty, distrust, and well just about every dis you can think of.  because of this i have a hard time believing that one people love me, i can say that i know that they do but i have a hard time taking it past that because for me to love has always been conditional with both sides of my family  i see it more with my dad then with anyone going up i felt used by him a lot mostly in high school with his now ex girlfriend. when i was in high school "miss Ann" had and her son lived with us and that one was hard for me because at this time i really only wanted my home life to be me my sister and my dad ( this maybe selfish but this was never the case in any other point of my life ) will somehow they ( my dad and miss ann ) got the idea that i was a built in babysitter so it was not uncommon they would leave to go to the "store" and be gone for hours to the point were if i had plans i would have to cancel them to stay with my little brother i was the one that would cook for him and get him ready for bed.  more towards the end of my high school career they got in the habit of going to the casino two or three times a week and sometimes they would make it back before we went to bed or before we got up but more often then not they wouldn't get back until it was past time for me to leave for school, this became a habit my senior year that one of my teachers asked me one day what the problem was as she was getting ready to send me to dentition for my share of tradies when i told her what was going on she made it a point that as long as i checked in with her before i went to my class she would talk with that teacher and made sure that i was not counted as late even if that meant that i had to be at school on saturday to make up the class work due. so to get back on track i said all that to say that i did feel use because if at any point i told my dad that i didn't want to watch my brother he would get upset and said that it was his house and if i wanted to live there that i need to do what he told me to do. i think that both me and my sister have picked up on this and we hang a lot of things over each others  heads until the other one does one of two things gives in or gives up. i am still like this with my dad it helps that i am about a whole state away from him. i want to believe that my dad was trying his best and looking at his childhood i could say that he was doing better. don't me wrong i love my dad and out of 5 kids i think that only 2 of us can say that but there is some much in my life that i think could have been better if my dad would have changed when he had that chance. i have been hearing the same lines my whole life, and no my little has to hear them too but i think that she will not go though what i went though she is a firecracker if i ever met one she is only 6 but you will never have to worry about what she is thinking she will let you know. i have very few fears about her i think that she can get disrespectful and when i tell my day that he would never let talk like that he tells me that there is almost 20 years between us and that is wants to do things differently. so in short i have lots of walls that i have put up because of my dad and i am slowly putting them down because i am learning what a fathers love can be like God has been so good to me and i will never look back on the decison that i made to follow him 9+ years ago. i thank God for also showing me that a earthly  father can show me the same love i have some pretty awesome examples of Fathers here in Portland 2 that stand above all would be my great friend Don who i know only wants the best for me and shows and tells me that he loves me every time that i see him. and the the other would be my best friends dad who is so old school it awesome. i really can't wait for the day that i have a daughter and i get to see her with her dad i pray everyday that my daughter will know how much she is loved but not just her earthly parents but more so by her heavenly father.  and i hope that it will be her father that lets her know how much she is loved by both her fathers.