hey Zesters, so today i am sitting in a coffee shop, and i am thinking about the last few days, it has been kind of crazy but never before have i felt God's love more : ) i have something coming up next week that is going to be life changing i am sure that i will let you all know sooner then later, so i was thinking about a few things that have not been setting well with me one of them you all know has to be RAY what is it about this guy that drives me up the wall in a good way. i am not sure but i am falling for this guy like i never have for anyone and the idea of him not returning the feelings is scary way more then it ever has with anyone i thought that i was crazy about Scott and yes he is great looking and he is a sweet heart but Lord knows that i was crazy for ever liking him i knew from the start that i had no chance with him. and to be honest it never really bothered me, and i think that the same could be said about Keefe even with everyone telling me that we would never work, i couldn't see it i had to let it go on my own. and now he and i are great friends. but even with them i was not worried about anything like i am worried about RAY i feel like i am well i am not sure i know that when i met him that i only saw him as a friend (not that i had much of an option in that area he was seeing someone ) and to be honest when i did realize that i liked him i was trying everything i could to get him off my mind i felt like he was going to marry that girl and i wanted to be happy for him when he told us that he was engaged. i love hanging out with him but i am finding that with my secret that i am not sure if i can do it much longer i do know that in the past that when i would make plans with him that i would invite other friend to come with us i can't trust myself with him i hate being in the car alone with him. just i hate the wondering if i am alone in my feelings or what he is thinking, i must say that i do like when we are in the car that he puts the radio on my favorite station, and that he took the time to get to know so many random things about me and to be honest i am not if that is him being a friend or if its something more. i hate thinking about it because i can't talk to anyone about it but i like chatting with you all about it : ) i love that at the moment i don"t have anyone that i know that reads this on a regular basis it allows me to be a open as i need to be. ok well that is enough about RAY for now but zesters you all that there is more to come
the other thing that i hasn't been sitting well with me is WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE ? i am a life planner i have always be one and then one day God took my plan and though it out the window and i have been in the air so to speak ever since. and every time that i feel like i have gotten my feet on the ground something happens so that they can't stay there long like right now i have no place to live i have been staying with a friend for the last month but i know that it is not home and it feels like it. i think that this is other reason that things with RAY don't with me. i know that i would one day like to either be a High School History teacher or a lawyer ( i am thinking more history teacher) but to do that i need to finish my degree and in order to do that i need a job so that i can pay for school and at the moment it doesn't look like i am going to be doing that anytime soon :( i just want need Jesus to show up in a big way bigger then ever i need to see that there is something better then what i am doing
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