for the lack of something catchy

Hey Zesters,
   sorry that it has been some time, well there is lots to sure :) there has been a lot going on in my life and in my heart, and on my mind.  so i am hoping that i will be able to work it out in this post but you all know me i tend to start one thought and never really finish it :( . sorry about that.

 Blessings 

1. I found not only one job but two.  i am loving it that my time is back to being packed. although i am having a hard time at one of my jobs and wish there was more work for me as a nanny, but that is not the case at the moment and so i am working everyday at the other job, and everyday the first thing i do when i get to work is write on my paper " in all that I do I will do with a joyful heart"  this seems to keep me going though the day of being ignored. 
2. I found a new place to live :) this is such a blessing. it has been the hardest 4 months of my life i have never had to relay more on Christ, if was that consent feeling of never feeling settled and never really feeling welcomed. I am ready to be in a place that i can wake up and make breakfast. have people over, yo even sleep in without feeling like i am being judged about it. 
3. i am finding healing in my Heart :) this is a huge BLESSING things with RAY have been crazy, i haven't seen or really talked to him in a few weeks. but like I put in my last post after hanging out with him for a weekend we where on our way home i was making faces at him in the mirror and either he really didn't see me or he was choosing to ignore me.  whatever the case it was then and there I started to see that he does not see me the way that i want him to see me :( but this is a blessing because i think it has given us both freedom, freedom for me that i can start to see him the friend and brother that he is, and the freedom for him to be him and not feel like he is leading me on or messing with my heart. ( there is also someone new but that is for another post ) <---- RAY was different and i treated him as such but this guy and RAY are about the same page its just that with this guy i am choosing to go about differently in such a way that i will chat with him and i will hangout with him but i will not be the one doing the inviting ( i so did with RAY) if he wants to hangout with me he will ask me as a friend or more :) 
4. i am losing weight :) this is a blessing because with every pound lose  i am gaining so much one of those things being truth, i think that i am the kind of person that i can say that "i am sexy, and i know it" but not believe any of it or to hear someone say " you look great" or "you are beautiful" and not believe a word of it but i think that the smaller i get the more i can start to see yeah i am beautiful and i can point things out that i love about me ( right now its my smile, even with my huge gap :) ) i think that smile is big and bright. i can say at the moment there is only one thing i am not likeing about me and that is my butt or the lack there of :) 

Prayers 

1. so when I was 16 i jokingly made a promise with my youth pastor that i would wait until i was 25 to start dating. ok really i was 16 and never really realized how much time that was. so now that i am 25 i have been on 2 dates :( and to be honest they weren't that great, i think that mostly that i went into them looking for something i guess i went into them looking for a BF and not looking just to enjoy the date, i think i tend to like my friends before i like someone out of the group of people that i hang out with ( the fore mentioned guy does go to my church ) i think that is a comfort thing i know back when i was 300 + lbs my thought was that if they know me they would see how great i was on the inside and would not worry about what i look like.  now that i am losing weight i think i am more opened to the idea of chatting with someone while out for happy hour or whatever.
2. so i was always taught to guard my heart and have never really understood what that meant until now. there are a few things that i am not really going to put out there just yet but please pray that i would learn to guard my heart mind and soul.

i think that is all that i have in my to write tonight so until next time Zesters