umm really ?

hey Zesters,
     Still trying out a few names for you all  : ). but i wanted to give you all an update on life.  not that things have gotten any better but i think that my out look has.  i found out a week ago that i was am going to have to move in the next month : ( i love were i live i love the area and i am not sure that i will find anything that i like more then this. but something that my friend said the other made me think. we were talking about ( i think that i want a name for him so that i can write about him,  what do you all think about RAY :) from my favorite movie ) ok so we were talking about RAY don"t worry i have stories to tell you about him :) but she said as great as he is if he is not the one there is going to be someone better out there.  so i am going to add it to my housing situation  as great as this place is there is going to be something better for me out there.  i know this to be true because of my church : ) i have lived in Portland for the last almost 6 years for the first 2 years that i was here i was looking for a church but didn't find any thing that i was in love with, so when i moved into my own place in a different part of town i looked for churches near there, i found one that i liked ( so i thought ) but something was off about it , it never felt like home i was there for about 3 years off and on and every-time that i would go to an event i would pray that God would help me feel welcomed and that i would not feel left out of anything or just that it would start to feel like home it never did don't get me wrong there were people there that i feel in love with and i loved being with them even now i want to be with them it is a little harder to see them seeing as i live way on the other side of town.  i think the thing that forced me to face the fact that i shouldn't be there anymore is when i had a big blow up with this guy that i thought was a very good friend of mine and his at the time girlfriend i knew then that there had to be something better out there for me i should have been going to church hoping that people would like me.  at the same time i was looking for a place to live i found a house this house that i am living in at the moment with 3 awesome Gals it felt like home right away : ) they were telling me about their church and i was thinking ok that sounds awesome and i am up for looking for a new church.  when i went to the first Gospel community i felt like i was home ( it helped that i was ) the group was amazing so i kept going and i am still going : ) all that to say i was praying hard that God would make my old church home until i realized that there was better out there (some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers )  ok so now back to RAY which i know you all are dying to know how things are going ; ) while it think are hanging out about the same that we ever have about twice a week and i might see him more then that in passing : ) but he came up in my counseling session the other day ( i will tell you about this in a few days i think that you will like it ; ) any who he came up i hadn't realized how much he has impacted  my life with just being a friend and before anything he is an amazing friend and i think one of the things keeping me from telling him my feelings are that i do not want to mess up our friendship i think i have done that in the past were i have wanted to date the guy so much that i forgot about our friendship i want it to be so different with RAY i have enjoyed getting to know him and his friends outside of the friends we have in common. i enjoy talking to him but what came up in my session was the fact that i have this fear with him that i have never had with any other guy that i have like or even dated. you see RAY is white and i will ---> am not and this has never bothered me   before but i have no idea what he thinks about dating someone who is not white i happen to know that his last 2 girlfriends were white as i am sure that all his girlfriends have been it does bother me a bit to think that he wouldn't date just because the color of my skin.  however as i am praying about this i think that i will be ok and if he is the one that i will date and maybe even marry then God would work it out, until then i am going to be the best friend i know how to be : )

Things that I could use prayer for :

•  that God would protect my heart when it comes to RAY 
• that i would know how to be a friend to him and not worry about being his next girlfriend 
• that i find housing sooner then later 
• that i am able to find work sooner then later 

taking a min to thank God

so this evening my best friend came over to hang out we were cooking and listening to music and the song theres hope by India Arie came on and i started thinking there is so much to be thankful for in this time where i can find everything wrong with life.  i know that i am a worrier that is how i have always been thinking that  have other choice,  so i know in my head that i don't have to worry about finding work or how bills are going to be paid for i just know that they are but for some reason it is just not connecting in my heart i want to be able to trust that God will provide and when i am not in the middle of the storm i know that to be true but while in the storm me in all my humanness is looking for a way to take care of this on my own :( i just know that i am not strong enough to do it on my own and i am not one that likes to ask for help thinking that everything can be done by me or if i don't do it that it is not going to be done right or the way that i want it done.


but i can say that i am thankful for so many unexpected things

• Gracie taking me shopping 
• kathy give my work and the paying more then i was expecting 
• an IV student that i don't really know giving me money 
• having all the money i need for rent cell phone and PGE 
• being able to go away for the weekend a celebrate God goodness

things that i need prayer for

1. that God would protect my heart when it comes to this guy 
2. that God would provide work and a study job 
3. that funds would come though for me to go back to school 
4. that i would be able to confess with my mouth AND believe in my heart that God is bigger then what the world can throw at me 
5. that i would be able to go stright to God with all my problems and not to my friends 
6. that God would start to heal my family so that i would feel comfortable going to them with things 

Jesus i seal these things in your name AMEN 

Keeping a pure heart

Hey Zesties :) ( trying a few different  names this month to which works best :)

 any who life this past few weeks has been so crazy it makes me want to cry i have also seen more blessings then i know what to do with :)

so where do i begin lets start at the start of the year :)

well as some of you know i worked as a nanny for the last 3 years it was a job that i loved and hated all at the same time i knew there was no way that i would move up in the family ( the hate part ) but i was so in love with my kiddos that it was crazy just to see them grow and change would make my heart melt :) anywho i told the mom and dad last sept. that i was thinking about leaving at the end of the year thinking that i would be back in school and that i would need something that was just a little less demanding of my time and energy. so i started job hunting in like Nov. i thought that i had a job lined up for when i left the kids that i would have one week off and then head back to school full time and work part time ok well didn't get into school and when i went to go and fill out my paperwork for my new job they told me that the store was closing for reservations for the next 3 months and that there would be no hours for me :( so now i am not in school and i have no job :(

on top of all of this there is this guy :( which at any other time i would be crazy happy about and if i am honest i am really happy about.  he is amazing and i can't say much about him just yet because he doesn't know :( but there are a few things that i can talk about that will not id him things such as : how he has an amazing heart for God ( that would have to be a given if i like him ) he has a heart for people and he is a natural born leader outside of the fact that he is not hard on the eyes at all :)  i love who i am when i am with him i am me with no smoke and no mirrors yet i still have these insecurities one of them being that i know that he has few black friends and i know that in Portland only he only has about 3  (which is not saying much and i would love to talk about that on another post :) so for me i start to think well what would he think about dating a black girl? or a girl that doesn't have a car or a job or a girl that is overweight ? how do i sort though all of this stuff at the time being i see him flirting with this other girl and my ind goes right to oh he likes her better or i could see them together.  even looking at 2 of his ex girlfriends i can see somethings that are clearly not the same and i am not sure how to handle that in my heart or in my mind. whats more is that i know that for myself i am not dating until i turn 25 which is about 3 1/2 months away so in this time that is promised to God he could totally start dating someone new.


so i think my question to all of you is ... do i keep it to myself for the next 3 months or do i tell him ? and if the latter how do i find out the answers to my questions for him? and whats more is how do i knowing that i like continue to be just friends with him? there are somethings that i know that i need to start doing things like side hugs i am so big on this when i talk to high school girls i know to follow my own rules. i have also started talking to woman in my church about it and seeking their advice and words of wisdom i try never to hang out with him alone but it has happened and i have stop shearing my heart with him ( this is pretty new given that i just did a whole download about 5 days ago )



i just want to know how do i keep my heart in God's  hands and not on my sleeve or anywhere near this guy until we know if he is going to be some guy that i date :) it is crazy how happy he makes me and we are just friends he makes me want to do everything different from anything i have done before he without knowing it makes me want to be a better person .


i was thinking how i was telling a friend today how a few months ago a friend of mine told me that he thought that i had liked him ( which was somewhat true ) but how he didn't think that he was in the right place with God to date anyone at the moment.  this in itself is a cop out and that is all i am going to say on that for now.  but about 3 weeks after telling me this i find out that he is dating a girl from church,  i was so hurt by this, how could he not be in the right place with God to date me ( which i am not sure i even wanted to date him i just had this like high school crush on him ) but it all changes in 3 weeks for this other girl ?  i think i get it now he was not telling me the whole story i think it would have saved our friendship had he said something to me after they started dating. i later found out that he had liked his now girlfriend for over a year and never felt like he was good enough for her. until he found out that he was :) that is kind of how i feel with this guy should someone declare feelings for me i would tell them the same thing that i am not in the right place to date anyone i think that i would tell them something like there is someone else that i think i am waiting for ( yes this is harsh ) but i refuse to us God as a cop out i am sorry i had somewhere that i was going with that story but i am not sure we ever made it there


at this point i think it is just me getting thoughts out which this blog is all about any way

so yeah that is where i am at at the time being i think that i am going to try to meet with him for coffee sometime soon and tell him how i feel i don't think that i am looking for anything out of this i just think that i need to let him know how i feel and he can do with that information as he will my only hope is that our friendship doesn't change.  if i am being honest with myself i think our friendship changed the day that i realized that i liked him :(