Keeping a pure heart

Hey Zesties :) ( trying a few different  names this month to which works best :)

 any who life this past few weeks has been so crazy it makes me want to cry i have also seen more blessings then i know what to do with :)

so where do i begin lets start at the start of the year :)

well as some of you know i worked as a nanny for the last 3 years it was a job that i loved and hated all at the same time i knew there was no way that i would move up in the family ( the hate part ) but i was so in love with my kiddos that it was crazy just to see them grow and change would make my heart melt :) anywho i told the mom and dad last sept. that i was thinking about leaving at the end of the year thinking that i would be back in school and that i would need something that was just a little less demanding of my time and energy. so i started job hunting in like Nov. i thought that i had a job lined up for when i left the kids that i would have one week off and then head back to school full time and work part time ok well didn't get into school and when i went to go and fill out my paperwork for my new job they told me that the store was closing for reservations for the next 3 months and that there would be no hours for me :( so now i am not in school and i have no job :(

on top of all of this there is this guy :( which at any other time i would be crazy happy about and if i am honest i am really happy about.  he is amazing and i can't say much about him just yet because he doesn't know :( but there are a few things that i can talk about that will not id him things such as : how he has an amazing heart for God ( that would have to be a given if i like him ) he has a heart for people and he is a natural born leader outside of the fact that he is not hard on the eyes at all :)  i love who i am when i am with him i am me with no smoke and no mirrors yet i still have these insecurities one of them being that i know that he has few black friends and i know that in Portland only he only has about 3  (which is not saying much and i would love to talk about that on another post :) so for me i start to think well what would he think about dating a black girl? or a girl that doesn't have a car or a job or a girl that is overweight ? how do i sort though all of this stuff at the time being i see him flirting with this other girl and my ind goes right to oh he likes her better or i could see them together.  even looking at 2 of his ex girlfriends i can see somethings that are clearly not the same and i am not sure how to handle that in my heart or in my mind. whats more is that i know that for myself i am not dating until i turn 25 which is about 3 1/2 months away so in this time that is promised to God he could totally start dating someone new.


so i think my question to all of you is ... do i keep it to myself for the next 3 months or do i tell him ? and if the latter how do i find out the answers to my questions for him? and whats more is how do i knowing that i like continue to be just friends with him? there are somethings that i know that i need to start doing things like side hugs i am so big on this when i talk to high school girls i know to follow my own rules. i have also started talking to woman in my church about it and seeking their advice and words of wisdom i try never to hang out with him alone but it has happened and i have stop shearing my heart with him ( this is pretty new given that i just did a whole download about 5 days ago )



i just want to know how do i keep my heart in God's  hands and not on my sleeve or anywhere near this guy until we know if he is going to be some guy that i date :) it is crazy how happy he makes me and we are just friends he makes me want to do everything different from anything i have done before he without knowing it makes me want to be a better person .


i was thinking how i was telling a friend today how a few months ago a friend of mine told me that he thought that i had liked him ( which was somewhat true ) but how he didn't think that he was in the right place with God to date anyone at the moment.  this in itself is a cop out and that is all i am going to say on that for now.  but about 3 weeks after telling me this i find out that he is dating a girl from church,  i was so hurt by this, how could he not be in the right place with God to date me ( which i am not sure i even wanted to date him i just had this like high school crush on him ) but it all changes in 3 weeks for this other girl ?  i think i get it now he was not telling me the whole story i think it would have saved our friendship had he said something to me after they started dating. i later found out that he had liked his now girlfriend for over a year and never felt like he was good enough for her. until he found out that he was :) that is kind of how i feel with this guy should someone declare feelings for me i would tell them the same thing that i am not in the right place to date anyone i think that i would tell them something like there is someone else that i think i am waiting for ( yes this is harsh ) but i refuse to us God as a cop out i am sorry i had somewhere that i was going with that story but i am not sure we ever made it there


at this point i think it is just me getting thoughts out which this blog is all about any way

so yeah that is where i am at at the time being i think that i am going to try to meet with him for coffee sometime soon and tell him how i feel i don't think that i am looking for anything out of this i just think that i need to let him know how i feel and he can do with that information as he will my only hope is that our friendship doesn't change.  if i am being honest with myself i think our friendship changed the day that i realized that i liked him :(