Can you fell the love :)

so Zesters
   i must say that this weekend has been kind of a crazy one on Friday i was in this really bummer mood with a pitty party to match, it started because i went camping this weekend ( i will get to this ) but i didn't every thing that i needed because most of my stuff has been hanging out at some friends house until i could find a place. so i went to go and get the things that i needed when i find out that they are not home and would not be home until after we are set to take off, :( so this lead me to the thought this wouldn't have happened if  i had my own place to keep my own things which lead me to will i can't have my own place because i can't find a job and i can't find a job because will i need a degree :( so i choose to sit in that for most of the afternoon until i met up with RAY and one of his friends and we packed up the car and headed to the most beautiful place that i have been in OR ( its odd in OR i want to see green trees and dirt roads but when i am in CA i want to see blue water and off white sand ) and seeing that changed my whole mood i knew that God had me out there for a reason and was amazing to be near the river with next to know one around :) RAY was a pretty awesome addition too ( i have come to realize something about him but i will get to that soon ) so the first night was all about relaxing then Saturday RAY and his friend we will call him Jeff went for a 12 mile (yes you read that right 12 miles ) hike it took them about 7 hrs it you know me you know that i would never do this so i went on my own 3 mile hike to talk to Jesus a much needed space and time to do that then when everyone was back to camp we made dinner which again was amazing i am glad that i know guys that can cook i mean i can throw down when it comes to food but i am glad to know that i don"t always have to throw down :) all in all the trip itself was awesome :) though there are some things that where a little hard

1. when RAY and Jeff where on their hike i was praying about RAY he has been in my prayers alot mostly wreathe or not we are meant to still be friends or if i should cut all ties with him until i can learn to be his friend and not want to be his Girlfriend. or if i should talk to him about how our friendship needs to change if he doesn't not have feelings for me ( he says that he doesn't but his actions say something different )  and what i think i got from my quite time is that i need to walk away for a min which is going to be easy to do seeing as he will be gone for 6 weeks for work ::) although last time that he was gone he was only gone for 3 weeks and i missed him so much it hurt :( 
2. i could not stop thinking about the fact that i don"t have a job or a place to call my own yet and had me thinking why would God put me in this place where i have an amazing group of people but no way to support myself :(
3. what is it about RAY that had me in this place where i know that i care about him yet he has no feeling for me no more then friends i hate that when ever he talks about a girl she is this blond hair blue eyed girl i tend to love the fact that i am not like every girl that he likes i know that he can have any girl that he wants and i want him to want me i just wish that i could pick his brain about what it is about me that makes him want to keep looking ( or do i want to know ?) 

anyway the rest of the weekend was great RAY was amazing in making sure that i had everything that i needed/ wanted :) dude it was cold out there so he went and set up my tent to make sure that i was warm :) so we were on our way home today and as we were driving i was trying to make funny face at him in the mirror and he didn"t notice  it was then that it hit me that he doesn't notice me at all not the way that i want him to so i am thinking that the times that i think that his actions are telling me more they are really just saying " i am glad that we are friends"  and i think with time i will be ok with this i think that right now its just hard :/  anyway this lead me back to all the feelings that i had on friday which made me feel amazing (yeah right )
 so i was hanging out in my room then i went up to get some food and i notice an Orange envelope and notice that   it had my name on it :) it was from one of my really good friends Andi (love you girl ) and it had the sweetest little note inside :) and made me remember that i am blessed with a gift that people can see :) life is hard right now yes but it should not define me there are a few doors closed but i have yet to look for an opened window :) so the next 6 weeks is going to be about no boys and no drama when RAY gets back i pray that we will both have answers that we need :)


 

guys just don't get it

hey Zesters

so a few weeks ago i wrote about how RAY and i had this talk and i told him everything, about how i felt about him and about our friendship and well everything. he told me that he loved that we were friends but that he didn't  feel the same way and that he didn't see us in a relationship. ok yes this hurt more then i  thought that it would and i knew that our friendship was going to change either for good or for the not so good. the last few weeks have been hard knowing that my feelings have not changed about him but i have been hanging out with some other guys i went on a date with one and the other is a friend that i am really digging but knowing that my heart and my feelings for RAY have not changed. so when someone tells me that they have feelings for me and i know that i do not feel the same way i change the way i interact with said person,  i would be very careful with hugs  and the way that i talk to them,  i would change almost everything so that they know that  we are not on the same page. RAY has not changed anything, if anything has changed it was because i changed it to protect me and my heart. i am careful the way that i hug him, i try my hardest to only give him side hugs, i try never to be alone with him granted this is not always easy i mean like today i ended up going with him to run errands. i am careful with what i choose to talk to him about ( this is how we ended up where we are now ) yet he has not changed i spent a good part of the day with him and his roommates today (love them all think they are great) and there were sometimes that i feel into "yeah this is awesome " thinking to myself of how i could see us married and working on our own house how i could see him working with alll is tools in the grouge , then i would quick bring myself back to this world where a month ago he told me that we would only ever be friends then his roommate he and i went to take the dog on a walk to this amazing place and i was trying my hardest to give him space so i make sure that i was doing my own thing the whole time at one point we were standing next to each other and he was looking out to the city and i was looking at the sky ( i love the night sky just so you know ) then his roommate came over and we all talked for a bit then i felt like it was a good time for me to be able to walk away and let them have guy chat his roomate walks off and he stands there for a minute then he comes over and stands next to me which would be find if he hadn"t stood so close it was in that moment that i started to pray that God would take my feelings away, i was minding my own business looking up at the stars when he asked me what i was looking at that in itself is find but this guy does not get what it means to be a friend to me and i am not sure how to make it any more clearer then telling him how i feel about him this happens often, my aunt always tells me "if a guy likes you, you are not going to have to guess, he will let you know " ok but actions speak louder the words  and while he tells me one thing he act a totally different way that has me questioning :( which i have never had to do with any guy this guy has been different from day one i don't know how to fix this i don"t know what our friendship needs to look like for me to move on and for him to see how he is playing with my heart :(

What I have Learned from my now 25 years of life

Hey Zester,
   so as some of you know my birthday was a few days ago and it was awesome, i can't believe how blessed i am.  so i was doing some reflecting and there are a few things that i must say that the last 25 years on earth have taught me not only that but i also need a fast from facebook which was super hard but really good at the same time. that also taught me a thing or two.
     1. I am quick to call someone a friend
      2. I am quick to drop someone as a friend
     3. I have let so called friends define who i am and define my happiness
     4. there is a lot in my past some good, bad, and ugly none of which i ever want to define me again
     5. i have my worth in something/someone that matters
     6. you don't get to pick the family that you are born into but you do get to pick your family
     7. I may not have the most awesome birth family but i have a pretty awesome chosen family 
     8. I have an awesome father figure in my life that shows me that i am loved by him and my father above
     9. I can stay in contact with people that matter no matter what
     10. Bread and Wine and Intervaristy are 2 of the best things that have happened to me since i moved to Portland,