Can you fell the love :)

so Zesters
   i must say that this weekend has been kind of a crazy one on Friday i was in this really bummer mood with a pitty party to match, it started because i went camping this weekend ( i will get to this ) but i didn't every thing that i needed because most of my stuff has been hanging out at some friends house until i could find a place. so i went to go and get the things that i needed when i find out that they are not home and would not be home until after we are set to take off, :( so this lead me to the thought this wouldn't have happened if  i had my own place to keep my own things which lead me to will i can't have my own place because i can't find a job and i can't find a job because will i need a degree :( so i choose to sit in that for most of the afternoon until i met up with RAY and one of his friends and we packed up the car and headed to the most beautiful place that i have been in OR ( its odd in OR i want to see green trees and dirt roads but when i am in CA i want to see blue water and off white sand ) and seeing that changed my whole mood i knew that God had me out there for a reason and was amazing to be near the river with next to know one around :) RAY was a pretty awesome addition too ( i have come to realize something about him but i will get to that soon ) so the first night was all about relaxing then Saturday RAY and his friend we will call him Jeff went for a 12 mile (yes you read that right 12 miles ) hike it took them about 7 hrs it you know me you know that i would never do this so i went on my own 3 mile hike to talk to Jesus a much needed space and time to do that then when everyone was back to camp we made dinner which again was amazing i am glad that i know guys that can cook i mean i can throw down when it comes to food but i am glad to know that i don"t always have to throw down :) all in all the trip itself was awesome :) though there are some things that where a little hard

1. when RAY and Jeff where on their hike i was praying about RAY he has been in my prayers alot mostly wreathe or not we are meant to still be friends or if i should cut all ties with him until i can learn to be his friend and not want to be his Girlfriend. or if i should talk to him about how our friendship needs to change if he doesn't not have feelings for me ( he says that he doesn't but his actions say something different )  and what i think i got from my quite time is that i need to walk away for a min which is going to be easy to do seeing as he will be gone for 6 weeks for work ::) although last time that he was gone he was only gone for 3 weeks and i missed him so much it hurt :( 
2. i could not stop thinking about the fact that i don"t have a job or a place to call my own yet and had me thinking why would God put me in this place where i have an amazing group of people but no way to support myself :(
3. what is it about RAY that had me in this place where i know that i care about him yet he has no feeling for me no more then friends i hate that when ever he talks about a girl she is this blond hair blue eyed girl i tend to love the fact that i am not like every girl that he likes i know that he can have any girl that he wants and i want him to want me i just wish that i could pick his brain about what it is about me that makes him want to keep looking ( or do i want to know ?) 

anyway the rest of the weekend was great RAY was amazing in making sure that i had everything that i needed/ wanted :) dude it was cold out there so he went and set up my tent to make sure that i was warm :) so we were on our way home today and as we were driving i was trying to make funny face at him in the mirror and he didn"t notice  it was then that it hit me that he doesn't notice me at all not the way that i want him to so i am thinking that the times that i think that his actions are telling me more they are really just saying " i am glad that we are friends"  and i think with time i will be ok with this i think that right now its just hard :/  anyway this lead me back to all the feelings that i had on friday which made me feel amazing (yeah right )
 so i was hanging out in my room then i went up to get some food and i notice an Orange envelope and notice that   it had my name on it :) it was from one of my really good friends Andi (love you girl ) and it had the sweetest little note inside :) and made me remember that i am blessed with a gift that people can see :) life is hard right now yes but it should not define me there are a few doors closed but i have yet to look for an opened window :) so the next 6 weeks is going to be about no boys and no drama when RAY gets back i pray that we will both have answers that we need :)