hey Zesters
so a few weeks ago i wrote about how RAY and i had this talk and i told him everything, about how i felt about him and about our friendship and well everything. he told me that he loved that we were friends but that he didn't feel the same way and that he didn't see us in a relationship. ok yes this hurt more then i thought that it would and i knew that our friendship was going to change either for good or for the not so good. the last few weeks have been hard knowing that my feelings have not changed about him but i have been hanging out with some other guys i went on a date with one and the other is a friend that i am really digging but knowing that my heart and my feelings for RAY have not changed. so when someone tells me that they have feelings for me and i know that i do not feel the same way i change the way i interact with said person, i would be very careful with hugs and the way that i talk to them, i would change almost everything so that they know that we are not on the same page. RAY has not changed anything, if anything has changed it was because i changed it to protect me and my heart. i am careful the way that i hug him, i try my hardest to only give him side hugs, i try never to be alone with him granted this is not always easy i mean like today i ended up going with him to run errands. i am careful with what i choose to talk to him about ( this is how we ended up where we are now ) yet he has not changed i spent a good part of the day with him and his roommates today (love them all think they are great) and there were sometimes that i feel into "yeah this is awesome " thinking to myself of how i could see us married and working on our own house how i could see him working with alll is tools in the grouge , then i would quick bring myself back to this world where a month ago he told me that we would only ever be friends then his roommate he and i went to take the dog on a walk to this amazing place and i was trying my hardest to give him space so i make sure that i was doing my own thing the whole time at one point we were standing next to each other and he was looking out to the city and i was looking at the sky ( i love the night sky just so you know ) then his roommate came over and we all talked for a bit then i felt like it was a good time for me to be able to walk away and let them have guy chat his roomate walks off and he stands there for a minute then he comes over and stands next to me which would be find if he hadn"t stood so close it was in that moment that i started to pray that God would take my feelings away, i was minding my own business looking up at the stars when he asked me what i was looking at that in itself is find but this guy does not get what it means to be a friend to me and i am not sure how to make it any more clearer then telling him how i feel about him this happens often, my aunt always tells me "if a guy likes you, you are not going to have to guess, he will let you know " ok but actions speak louder the words and while he tells me one thing he act a totally different way that has me questioning :( which i have never had to do with any guy this guy has been different from day one i don't know how to fix this i don"t know what our friendship needs to look like for me to move on and for him to see how he is playing with my heart :(
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