hey Zesters, so today i am sitting in a coffee shop, and i am thinking about the last few days, it has been kind of crazy but never before have i felt God's love more : ) i have something coming up next week that is going to be life changing i am sure that i will let you all know sooner then later, so i was thinking about a few things that have not been setting well with me one of them you all know has to be RAY what is it about this guy that drives me up the wall in a good way. i am not sure but i am falling for this guy like i never have for anyone and the idea of him not returning the feelings is scary way more then it ever has with anyone i thought that i was crazy about Scott and yes he is great looking and he is a sweet heart but Lord knows that i was crazy for ever liking him i knew from the start that i had no chance with him. and to be honest it never really bothered me, and i think that the same could be said about Keefe even with everyone telling me that we would never work, i couldn't see it i had to let it go on my own. and now he and i are great friends. but even with them i was not worried about anything like i am worried about RAY i feel like i am well i am not sure i know that when i met him that i only saw him as a friend (not that i had much of an option in that area he was seeing someone ) and to be honest when i did realize that i liked him i was trying everything i could to get him off my mind i felt like he was going to marry that girl and i wanted to be happy for him when he told us that he was engaged. i love hanging out with him but i am finding that with my secret that i am not sure if i can do it much longer i do know that in the past that when i would make plans with him that i would invite other friend to come with us i can't trust myself with him i hate being in the car alone with him. just i hate the wondering if i am alone in my feelings or what he is thinking, i must say that i do like when we are in the car that he puts the radio on my favorite station, and that he took the time to get to know so many random things about me and to be honest i am not if that is him being a friend or if its something more. i hate thinking about it because i can't talk to anyone about it but i like chatting with you all about it : ) i love that at the moment i don"t have anyone that i know that reads this on a regular basis it allows me to be a open as i need to be. ok well that is enough about RAY for now but zesters you all that there is more to come
the other thing that i hasn't been sitting well with me is WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE ? i am a life planner i have always be one and then one day God took my plan and though it out the window and i have been in the air so to speak ever since. and every time that i feel like i have gotten my feet on the ground something happens so that they can't stay there long like right now i have no place to live i have been staying with a friend for the last month but i know that it is not home and it feels like it. i think that this is other reason that things with RAY don't with me. i know that i would one day like to either be a High School History teacher or a lawyer ( i am thinking more history teacher) but to do that i need to finish my degree and in order to do that i need a job so that i can pay for school and at the moment it doesn't look like i am going to be doing that anytime soon :( i just want need Jesus to show up in a big way bigger then ever i need to see that there is something better then what i am doing
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
working on a new me :)
hey zesters so something that I have always wanted to do is to get off the couch and start losing weight :) i have never made it past a week of working out and food is my weakness :( ... but this time i am for real for the next year i will work my ass off in the gym as well as with my food i would like to be down about 100 lbs by April 1 2013 :) this is something that has been with me my whole life being made fun of because of my weight or not being able to go shopping with friends in certain stores because i can"t fit anything i am ready to feel like i am part of the world again i don"t want to think twice about if i like a guy is he going to like me even though i am big. today is day one of the rest of my life.
March 11 2012
starting weight 305lbs
size 22/24
Goal
April 1 2013
weight : 205
size 10/12
March 11 2012
starting weight 305lbs
size 22/24
Goal
April 1 2013
weight : 205
size 10/12
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I Just want a Job :(
i have been working since i was 15 years old i love working i love having my own money to do whatever i want to do.
i should back up some back in sept i had this feeling that i i needed to do whatever it took to get back into school and i want a degree. so though i had a job that was paying the bills working as a nanny i was not 100 % happy and after 3 years i made the choice to leave. although working as a nanny can't just give a 2 week notice you need to give your notice way head of time so i was thinking i have 3 months + to find something and i did find something that was not very many hours but it was something. the day that i went in to fill out my paperwork i found out that the store was closing for 3 months but when they opened again that they would have more hours for me and so i started thinking ok i just need to get though the next 3 months i can so that will after 3 weeks or so i found out that the store was just closing and not reopening ok well then this means that i have no job and no way to get back into school :( awesome then my roommate tells me that we have a month left in the house ok awesome so no i have no job and i am not in school and i have no place to live i am feeling like such a winner. i was blessed enough to have a friend in the making that had a room that she was willing to let me stay in for a few months until i found work i am so grateful but now i am praying my little head off to find work i have spent days putting in applications and have had my share of interviews with not one offer made to me :( i am not sure what else i could do i have bills piling up and i have my share of stress i started to get angrey with God how is it that i have had a life time of hell to have to keep going though it. i am not sure what there is left for me to do i see friends getting work and i am so happy for them and i don't want them to fell bad about being excited for their forturne because they were in the same place and it gives me hope that it won"t be like this for long. but for now i will keep praying and doing my part to find work and if anyone knows of anything please let me know i would love to get back to work and at this point i would do anything.
i should back up some back in sept i had this feeling that i i needed to do whatever it took to get back into school and i want a degree. so though i had a job that was paying the bills working as a nanny i was not 100 % happy and after 3 years i made the choice to leave. although working as a nanny can't just give a 2 week notice you need to give your notice way head of time so i was thinking i have 3 months + to find something and i did find something that was not very many hours but it was something. the day that i went in to fill out my paperwork i found out that the store was closing for 3 months but when they opened again that they would have more hours for me and so i started thinking ok i just need to get though the next 3 months i can so that will after 3 weeks or so i found out that the store was just closing and not reopening ok well then this means that i have no job and no way to get back into school :( awesome then my roommate tells me that we have a month left in the house ok awesome so no i have no job and i am not in school and i have no place to live i am feeling like such a winner. i was blessed enough to have a friend in the making that had a room that she was willing to let me stay in for a few months until i found work i am so grateful but now i am praying my little head off to find work i have spent days putting in applications and have had my share of interviews with not one offer made to me :( i am not sure what else i could do i have bills piling up and i have my share of stress i started to get angrey with God how is it that i have had a life time of hell to have to keep going though it. i am not sure what there is left for me to do i see friends getting work and i am so happy for them and i don't want them to fell bad about being excited for their forturne because they were in the same place and it gives me hope that it won"t be like this for long. but for now i will keep praying and doing my part to find work and if anyone knows of anything please let me know i would love to get back to work and at this point i would do anything.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Happy New Year
this is a post that i though i put up looks like i never did so here you go :)
Well, Welcome to 2012,
life so far has not been the best, i didn't get into school, and now i have no job :(. yes January bills are covered but i have no food or any money to get any food but i have been blessed by my best friend who brought me a few things that she had :) which i am more then grateful for. in the middle of all of this i called my dad telling him that i wanted to go home, which i want just because i have this idea of my dad taking care of me and i would be able to go to school and work part time.
when i first moved to Portland it was never about staying here it was more of a summer thing something to do so that when i went back to school and people asked me what i did for the summer i could tell them that i went to portland and worked and met some cool people.
it became more of well i think that God has me here for a reason so i am going to stay and get my grades up and see what happens for next semester. will next semester turned into ok lets finish out the school year to ok i am not sure that i want to go back to Vanguard, lets see what else is out there. to ok things are not the best but they are better then what they were so lets stay here for ungrad then we will see what God wants us to do.
so whenever i have a low moment all i want to do is pack up and move back to cali although i know that is not the best thing for me to do now or ever again. i love my dad but i also know that i have changed so much in the last 6 years that i am not sure that i could put up with his BS any more i can see what is going on and i could choose to go with it or not but i am not that kind of person i know that i will let him treat me however he wanted and even though it would piss me off i would put up with it :(
so while are not great i know that they will get better and anything in portland is better then what i could have in california
Well, Welcome to 2012,
life so far has not been the best, i didn't get into school, and now i have no job :(. yes January bills are covered but i have no food or any money to get any food but i have been blessed by my best friend who brought me a few things that she had :) which i am more then grateful for. in the middle of all of this i called my dad telling him that i wanted to go home, which i want just because i have this idea of my dad taking care of me and i would be able to go to school and work part time.
when i first moved to Portland it was never about staying here it was more of a summer thing something to do so that when i went back to school and people asked me what i did for the summer i could tell them that i went to portland and worked and met some cool people.
it became more of well i think that God has me here for a reason so i am going to stay and get my grades up and see what happens for next semester. will next semester turned into ok lets finish out the school year to ok i am not sure that i want to go back to Vanguard, lets see what else is out there. to ok things are not the best but they are better then what they were so lets stay here for ungrad then we will see what God wants us to do.
so whenever i have a low moment all i want to do is pack up and move back to cali although i know that is not the best thing for me to do now or ever again. i love my dad but i also know that i have changed so much in the last 6 years that i am not sure that i could put up with his BS any more i can see what is going on and i could choose to go with it or not but i am not that kind of person i know that i will let him treat me however he wanted and even though it would piss me off i would put up with it :(
so while are not great i know that they will get better and anything in portland is better then what i could have in california
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