You Inspire Me

hey zesters
   so i have been doing some thinking :) and my thought was yes i have a lot of people in my life that encourage me to be a better person. however i have two people that i would say encourage me to be a better person, friend, sister, woman, christian  and most importunately a better me. i love both of these women from the bottom of my heart and i am glad that i don't have to know life without them :) they have taught me so much about God, life, being natural, and being a strong independent black woman. they have prayed with me cried with me, walked around to major cites of the world with me and i really just there for me when i need them.   
     my aunt Carolyn is my dad's younger sister and the bad ass of the family ( she is not one that you want to cross) i have know this forever one of my first memoirs of my auntie, was the night my younger sister was born :) we had all been at the hospital all day and i believe that visiting time was over , so my auntie packed up me, my twin sister, and my younger brother and drove us home. not sure why i remember this part but she opened all the cabinets looking for something to make use for dinner i think we had top roman and pudding of something like that then she put my brother down to bed :) it was then our turn to get ready for bed so we got to have a bubble bath and i remember her telling us when all the bubbles were gone and our fingers look like raisins then it was time to get out :) then right before bed we got to seat in a triangle and we rolled the ball for a bit. my aunt has never been a sideline person in my life, i remember visiting her when she was at Hayward State and the only time that i think i lost contact with her for any about of time is when she lived in Oregon. i know that my auntie is one person that i can call day or night with any problem. she encourages me to stand up for me and for what i believe is right no matter who the person is and for this my auntie will always be a rock star bad ass in my book :)
       I met Marshae my first week of school at Portland community , i remember her being super quite that first week. and for some reason i was drawn to her i wanted to know her secret. she was  the intern for Intervaristy that year and they were doing the hands project where they would ask a question and you would write your answer on your hand then they would take a picture of it and hang it on a poster :) the first time i talked to Shae i wasn't sure why she felt so close being so new i didn't want to get to close i had made my mind up that i was only going to be in Portland one term and then i was going to head back to my school in California. ask any ( mostly shae ) and she will tell you that i hated Portland and i hated that i had to be here but i was falling in love with the people that i met. about 3 years ago i started going though an identity crisis it all started with a conversation that i had with my then 8 year old brother. she was a major part of helping walk though the ups and downs of why i was feeling the way that i was feeling a few months into my crisis i was sitting at home talking to some housemates when she walks in and starts talking with us, then almost out of the blue she says "who wants to go to Africa with me" she tells us that she would be co leading a team of students on a missions trip to Mozambique. i sat there thinking oh they are all going to have a good time a few weeks later i got a text and an email saying fill this out and send it back to me ASAP so i did ( i still wasn't sure if i was going to get picked to go ) but i was after a few misfortune events we were told that our team was not going to Mozambique that we where going to go to Egypt with other team :)  few months later we were in one of the hottest dustiest places that i have ever been it was a once in a life time chances and shae had chosen me  to go with her :) there are times where i feel like she doesn't like me and when i tell her that she reminds me that i am an extrovert and she an introvert and that we process thoughts and life around us in different ways :) she has tried her best to be a little more out going with me and i a little calmer with her but i have to say that she is one of the most beautiful, (inside and out ) heartfelt genuine people that i have the honor to have in my life :)




Auntie and Shae you are both amazing women and i thank you for every conversation, meal made with/for for all the randomness/ awesomeness    i'm glad that you are in my life and that you inspire me to be the best me that i can be :)


Love Annette

hey now !!!

Hey Zesters,
    wow it has been way to long :( i am so sorry i will try to update you all soon but as of right now there is no time :( i hope that you all are well and i am looking forward to spending sometime with my thoughts and updating you all on my crazy life :)

Getting to mark something off my list :)

#5 Lose 70 lbs :)

Will Zesters,

same ladies at a friends wedding July 2012

Me and a some of my ladies at Christmas party 2011

me and my girl Jess X mas 2011

Jess and I wedding July 2012

     a few months ago i posted that i wanted to start working on my weight, that i was no longer happy in the skin i was in and that i  have a goal to be 200 lbs or less by April of next year :)  i am proud to say that as of a week ago i have lost 78lbs WOOT ! WOOT ! it has been a long and hard road and it is not over yet my short term is to lose 40lbs by the end of the end and that would put me at 200 lbs which is way before my goal :) but i think that i can do that easy :) not sure what else to put in here so here are some pics :) more to come and hopfully i will keep working on that birthday list of mine :)

Lies the enemy has told me

hey Zesters,
   :) this has been one of those days but i server an amazing God :) came home from walking the dogs and thought that i would do something that i never do relax :)  so i mad myself a spa salad :) then took a nice long bubble bath :) then i read my bed time story :) which is just a devotional book that i read every night for the next month and tonight's like most nights for the past week or so has really been hitting home its talking about how we allow the enemy to rob us of the truth of the kingdom when it comes to our selves... i want you to take a minute and think and write it down if you have to "What do you like about yourself ?"  to be honest my first thought was " I can tell you what i don't like about myself "  and why do we go there ? i know for me it is because i was picked on as a kid i got it a lot at school but i also got it a lot from my family my dad ( yes that is correct , MY DAD  ) would say things like " get off your FAT lazy ass " or his ex wife would tell me " "you are eating all of Oregon"  or my grandma would say things like "you are bigger then me " so to say the least i have always had body image issues. so i say this now and i want it to be loud and clear NO MORE !!! I CHOOSE TO LOVE ME THE WAY THAT I AM !!! and to start i want to face some of the lies that the enemy has told me

Lie : that i was a mistake
Truth : I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made (psalm 139:14)

Lie: that i will never be good enough
Truth : I was Chosen by Jesus ( John 15:16)

Lie: there are somethings that are unforgivable
Truth : i am free from Condemnation (Romans 8:1)

Lie: that i will never find a guy that loves me for me
Truth : I am loved dearly by God (john 16:17)


the  prayer
God, i know you made me - and you don't make junk. Help me to see the lies i have been believing for what they are- lies - and then get rid of them . i want to see myself the way you see me, as your precious child. please begin the process of changing my mind and my heart so your opinion is the only one that truly matters to me .
AMEN 
 

Hey Y'll

Hey Zesters,

    So this week has been a crazy one :) in such a good way, i feel like God i breaking me in putting me back the way that i am meant to be :)  so while it is hard and not fun i know that i am going to be a better person because of it :) so something that has been on my heart for the last 3 years is moving to North Carolina i am not sure why this place is on my heart i just know that it is and i have been wanting for ever to get there. so now the time has come i need to get moving or i will never go i will always find a reason to stay in Portland and while my heart is longing to be with someone i know that it is not RAY and i don't want to put my life and my plans on hold for someone who may not even be in portland. so this next week i will be working on getting back into school there is a program that i want to do and if i right it should only take me a year to get though once a graduate the plan is to find a job in NC either working as a Paralegal or finding another job until i find a paralegal job.  this past year has been an amazing year of growth and i am so grateful there are a lot of people, things and place that i will miss but i know that i bigger and better on the road ahead :)



so i am asking for a few things in prayer and if you would all be in Prayer with me that would be great

1. that God opens the doors for me to start school this fall 
2. that i am able to work full time and school fulltimme 
3. that i am able to find a job when the time comes 
4. that i will find a community 
5. that funds will come though for now and that i am able to save what i need for this move  

26 things to do before I am 26

1. Take a road trip with my best friends

2. learn 3 songs on the clarinet

3. do something daring

4. save $ 1,000

5.lose 70 lbs  (See post from Aug 6 2012 )

6. buy a lottery ticket

7. win an award

8. write a poem about love

9. get a car

10. learn to braid my own hair

11. go to a drive in

12. donate a formal dress

13.  teach someone something new

14. run a 5k

15. see one thing of  " the world's largest"

16. get back into school

17. learn to sew

18. go to Disneyland

19. spend an hour a day with God

20. get a tattoo

21. 26 hours of community service

22. run a 10k

23. once a month treat a friend to lunch or dinner or coffee and talk about only them

24. make an outfit for myself 

25. work on my book

26. do a painting of me the way that i think that God see me :)

if you have any ideas for 22,26, let me know

every time that i finish one i will try to take a picture of it and post it along with a short story of said item :) 

for the lack of something catchy

Hey Zesters,
   sorry that it has been some time, well there is lots to sure :) there has been a lot going on in my life and in my heart, and on my mind.  so i am hoping that i will be able to work it out in this post but you all know me i tend to start one thought and never really finish it :( . sorry about that.

 Blessings 

1. I found not only one job but two.  i am loving it that my time is back to being packed. although i am having a hard time at one of my jobs and wish there was more work for me as a nanny, but that is not the case at the moment and so i am working everyday at the other job, and everyday the first thing i do when i get to work is write on my paper " in all that I do I will do with a joyful heart"  this seems to keep me going though the day of being ignored. 
2. I found a new place to live :) this is such a blessing. it has been the hardest 4 months of my life i have never had to relay more on Christ, if was that consent feeling of never feeling settled and never really feeling welcomed. I am ready to be in a place that i can wake up and make breakfast. have people over, yo even sleep in without feeling like i am being judged about it. 
3. i am finding healing in my Heart :) this is a huge BLESSING things with RAY have been crazy, i haven't seen or really talked to him in a few weeks. but like I put in my last post after hanging out with him for a weekend we where on our way home i was making faces at him in the mirror and either he really didn't see me or he was choosing to ignore me.  whatever the case it was then and there I started to see that he does not see me the way that i want him to see me :( but this is a blessing because i think it has given us both freedom, freedom for me that i can start to see him the friend and brother that he is, and the freedom for him to be him and not feel like he is leading me on or messing with my heart. ( there is also someone new but that is for another post ) <---- RAY was different and i treated him as such but this guy and RAY are about the same page its just that with this guy i am choosing to go about differently in such a way that i will chat with him and i will hangout with him but i will not be the one doing the inviting ( i so did with RAY) if he wants to hangout with me he will ask me as a friend or more :) 
4. i am losing weight :) this is a blessing because with every pound lose  i am gaining so much one of those things being truth, i think that i am the kind of person that i can say that "i am sexy, and i know it" but not believe any of it or to hear someone say " you look great" or "you are beautiful" and not believe a word of it but i think that the smaller i get the more i can start to see yeah i am beautiful and i can point things out that i love about me ( right now its my smile, even with my huge gap :) ) i think that smile is big and bright. i can say at the moment there is only one thing i am not likeing about me and that is my butt or the lack there of :) 

Prayers 

1. so when I was 16 i jokingly made a promise with my youth pastor that i would wait until i was 25 to start dating. ok really i was 16 and never really realized how much time that was. so now that i am 25 i have been on 2 dates :( and to be honest they weren't that great, i think that mostly that i went into them looking for something i guess i went into them looking for a BF and not looking just to enjoy the date, i think i tend to like my friends before i like someone out of the group of people that i hang out with ( the fore mentioned guy does go to my church ) i think that is a comfort thing i know back when i was 300 + lbs my thought was that if they know me they would see how great i was on the inside and would not worry about what i look like.  now that i am losing weight i think i am more opened to the idea of chatting with someone while out for happy hour or whatever.
2. so i was always taught to guard my heart and have never really understood what that meant until now. there are a few things that i am not really going to put out there just yet but please pray that i would learn to guard my heart mind and soul.

i think that is all that i have in my to write tonight so until next time Zesters 

the life of wanting to be a wife

Hey Zesters,
    so one of my all time favorite shows is Army Wives, I know that i love this show because i have always dreamed of one day being an Army Wife.  for a long time i had a dream of being in the Army myself but i know that there is a reason that this did not work out. i have always loved the military might have been a little harder on all the other branches until i met a really good FRIEND of mine who is in the Coast Guard and now i have nothing but respect for every branch but my heart longs to be married to the army i know that this would be a hard life having to pick up and move whenever we are told never knowing when my husband is going to be home or be away and having to be a single mom most of the time ( well depending on the work that my husband does ) but there are few things in my life that i know that i am praying that God will let me have the chance to do the first and foremost is so be a mom i would love to birth my own children but at the same time my heart wants to be a mom so if that means that i can not birth my own i want to be a mom to a child that wants a mom and the other is to be a wife i would love it if i were a army wife to have a solider to call my own ;) to give him little people just like him to care for a home for him this would make my world :) \



to all the current and past ARMY WIVES out there you are loved and honored thank you for giving your heart to this country :)

and to all the soldiers you are loved , honored, and respected this world is better because you have chosen to give your life your heart and your family to this country :)



until i am one of you


HOORAH !!!!  

Can you fell the love :)

so Zesters
   i must say that this weekend has been kind of a crazy one on Friday i was in this really bummer mood with a pitty party to match, it started because i went camping this weekend ( i will get to this ) but i didn't every thing that i needed because most of my stuff has been hanging out at some friends house until i could find a place. so i went to go and get the things that i needed when i find out that they are not home and would not be home until after we are set to take off, :( so this lead me to the thought this wouldn't have happened if  i had my own place to keep my own things which lead me to will i can't have my own place because i can't find a job and i can't find a job because will i need a degree :( so i choose to sit in that for most of the afternoon until i met up with RAY and one of his friends and we packed up the car and headed to the most beautiful place that i have been in OR ( its odd in OR i want to see green trees and dirt roads but when i am in CA i want to see blue water and off white sand ) and seeing that changed my whole mood i knew that God had me out there for a reason and was amazing to be near the river with next to know one around :) RAY was a pretty awesome addition too ( i have come to realize something about him but i will get to that soon ) so the first night was all about relaxing then Saturday RAY and his friend we will call him Jeff went for a 12 mile (yes you read that right 12 miles ) hike it took them about 7 hrs it you know me you know that i would never do this so i went on my own 3 mile hike to talk to Jesus a much needed space and time to do that then when everyone was back to camp we made dinner which again was amazing i am glad that i know guys that can cook i mean i can throw down when it comes to food but i am glad to know that i don"t always have to throw down :) all in all the trip itself was awesome :) though there are some things that where a little hard

1. when RAY and Jeff where on their hike i was praying about RAY he has been in my prayers alot mostly wreathe or not we are meant to still be friends or if i should cut all ties with him until i can learn to be his friend and not want to be his Girlfriend. or if i should talk to him about how our friendship needs to change if he doesn't not have feelings for me ( he says that he doesn't but his actions say something different )  and what i think i got from my quite time is that i need to walk away for a min which is going to be easy to do seeing as he will be gone for 6 weeks for work ::) although last time that he was gone he was only gone for 3 weeks and i missed him so much it hurt :( 
2. i could not stop thinking about the fact that i don"t have a job or a place to call my own yet and had me thinking why would God put me in this place where i have an amazing group of people but no way to support myself :(
3. what is it about RAY that had me in this place where i know that i care about him yet he has no feeling for me no more then friends i hate that when ever he talks about a girl she is this blond hair blue eyed girl i tend to love the fact that i am not like every girl that he likes i know that he can have any girl that he wants and i want him to want me i just wish that i could pick his brain about what it is about me that makes him want to keep looking ( or do i want to know ?) 

anyway the rest of the weekend was great RAY was amazing in making sure that i had everything that i needed/ wanted :) dude it was cold out there so he went and set up my tent to make sure that i was warm :) so we were on our way home today and as we were driving i was trying to make funny face at him in the mirror and he didn"t notice  it was then that it hit me that he doesn't notice me at all not the way that i want him to so i am thinking that the times that i think that his actions are telling me more they are really just saying " i am glad that we are friends"  and i think with time i will be ok with this i think that right now its just hard :/  anyway this lead me back to all the feelings that i had on friday which made me feel amazing (yeah right )
 so i was hanging out in my room then i went up to get some food and i notice an Orange envelope and notice that   it had my name on it :) it was from one of my really good friends Andi (love you girl ) and it had the sweetest little note inside :) and made me remember that i am blessed with a gift that people can see :) life is hard right now yes but it should not define me there are a few doors closed but i have yet to look for an opened window :) so the next 6 weeks is going to be about no boys and no drama when RAY gets back i pray that we will both have answers that we need :)


 

guys just don't get it

hey Zesters

so a few weeks ago i wrote about how RAY and i had this talk and i told him everything, about how i felt about him and about our friendship and well everything. he told me that he loved that we were friends but that he didn't  feel the same way and that he didn't see us in a relationship. ok yes this hurt more then i  thought that it would and i knew that our friendship was going to change either for good or for the not so good. the last few weeks have been hard knowing that my feelings have not changed about him but i have been hanging out with some other guys i went on a date with one and the other is a friend that i am really digging but knowing that my heart and my feelings for RAY have not changed. so when someone tells me that they have feelings for me and i know that i do not feel the same way i change the way i interact with said person,  i would be very careful with hugs  and the way that i talk to them,  i would change almost everything so that they know that  we are not on the same page. RAY has not changed anything, if anything has changed it was because i changed it to protect me and my heart. i am careful the way that i hug him, i try my hardest to only give him side hugs, i try never to be alone with him granted this is not always easy i mean like today i ended up going with him to run errands. i am careful with what i choose to talk to him about ( this is how we ended up where we are now ) yet he has not changed i spent a good part of the day with him and his roommates today (love them all think they are great) and there were sometimes that i feel into "yeah this is awesome " thinking to myself of how i could see us married and working on our own house how i could see him working with alll is tools in the grouge , then i would quick bring myself back to this world where a month ago he told me that we would only ever be friends then his roommate he and i went to take the dog on a walk to this amazing place and i was trying my hardest to give him space so i make sure that i was doing my own thing the whole time at one point we were standing next to each other and he was looking out to the city and i was looking at the sky ( i love the night sky just so you know ) then his roommate came over and we all talked for a bit then i felt like it was a good time for me to be able to walk away and let them have guy chat his roomate walks off and he stands there for a minute then he comes over and stands next to me which would be find if he hadn"t stood so close it was in that moment that i started to pray that God would take my feelings away, i was minding my own business looking up at the stars when he asked me what i was looking at that in itself is find but this guy does not get what it means to be a friend to me and i am not sure how to make it any more clearer then telling him how i feel about him this happens often, my aunt always tells me "if a guy likes you, you are not going to have to guess, he will let you know " ok but actions speak louder the words  and while he tells me one thing he act a totally different way that has me questioning :( which i have never had to do with any guy this guy has been different from day one i don't know how to fix this i don"t know what our friendship needs to look like for me to move on and for him to see how he is playing with my heart :(

What I have Learned from my now 25 years of life

Hey Zester,
   so as some of you know my birthday was a few days ago and it was awesome, i can't believe how blessed i am.  so i was doing some reflecting and there are a few things that i must say that the last 25 years on earth have taught me not only that but i also need a fast from facebook which was super hard but really good at the same time. that also taught me a thing or two.
     1. I am quick to call someone a friend
      2. I am quick to drop someone as a friend
     3. I have let so called friends define who i am and define my happiness
     4. there is a lot in my past some good, bad, and ugly none of which i ever want to define me again
     5. i have my worth in something/someone that matters
     6. you don't get to pick the family that you are born into but you do get to pick your family
     7. I may not have the most awesome birth family but i have a pretty awesome chosen family 
     8. I have an awesome father figure in my life that shows me that i am loved by him and my father above
     9. I can stay in contact with people that matter no matter what
     10. Bread and Wine and Intervaristy are 2 of the best things that have happened to me since i moved to Portland,  

my God is awesome :)

hey Zesters :)
so i know that my last few post have been kind of EMO :( sorry about that but i wanted to let you all know that there are a few updates that i wanted to share with you all :) life has been crazy the last 2 and half weeks there is still something that i am not going to share just yet just know that it is going well and that God placed it right were it needed to be. :) next thing is i know that my last few post have been praying that God would give me a job that i loved and something that i would be great at i thought that for sure it was going to be an office job i must have sent out about 100 resumes and been on about 10 or so interviews with not so much as an offer i was trying the cutco thing and while i thought that i was a sells persons and i know that i am it just that in this stage of life i don't have it in me to be as cut throat as i needed to be for this job. so i went in and told my manger that i was trying my hardest i was even asking for help with no change that i needed something that was going to make me some money he said that he understood and i turned in my kit and was gone about a week later i get a call from my manger telling me to take my resume to whatever address and tell them that i was a friend of his so i did and i met with one of the owners she was pretty awesome and then she told me that she would let me know at the beginning of the next week if they wanted me to come in for an interview  so at this point i was thinking ok so this is not going to be something that is going to work so kind of gave up on it so the next day which was a friday i was on the phone with my aunt when i get a call from one of the owners and she asked me if i would be willing to go in the next day for an interview with both owners and i jumped at the chance so i went in the next day and have an interview which i thought was awesome until the end when they told me that they would let me know at the beginning of the week so again i went back to ok this was just other practice interview so didn't think about it really on sunday seeing as it was easter i was having a great time with my church family and then on monday i was not feeling to hot so i stayed in bed and sometime that afternoon i got a call from the other owner telling me that they wanted to offer me a job :) i was so excited so i started working this week which it is hard but i am loving every minute of  learning that i am getting oh i didn't tell you what i am doing ... it's one of my bucket list jobs to work at a coffee house :) so now i just need to get some friends that live on that side of town and have them come in all the time so now my prayer is housing i have no idea were i want to live i know that i want to stay in NE but work is in SE so i am praying to see where GOd is going to have me go 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

hey Zesters ok that is a really long title but i think that it has every thing that i need right  now. so in my last post i said that i had some big things happening, and oh man this life changing thing is kicking my butt.  but i know that at the end of it i will be a better person for it. so lets see what else.... i think that i have been having a really hard time lately with trust.  i am not one that can trust people easily and if it looks like i am trusting you i would take a second look. i have had my share of hurt and because of this every time that i am hurt i build a wall that i am know is going to be really hard to tear down one of the has to do with my family there is some much dishonesty, distrust, and well just about every dis you can think of.  because of this i have a hard time believing that one people love me, i can say that i know that they do but i have a hard time taking it past that because for me to love has always been conditional with both sides of my family  i see it more with my dad then with anyone going up i felt used by him a lot mostly in high school with his now ex girlfriend. when i was in high school "miss Ann" had and her son lived with us and that one was hard for me because at this time i really only wanted my home life to be me my sister and my dad ( this maybe selfish but this was never the case in any other point of my life ) will somehow they ( my dad and miss ann ) got the idea that i was a built in babysitter so it was not uncommon they would leave to go to the "store" and be gone for hours to the point were if i had plans i would have to cancel them to stay with my little brother i was the one that would cook for him and get him ready for bed.  more towards the end of my high school career they got in the habit of going to the casino two or three times a week and sometimes they would make it back before we went to bed or before we got up but more often then not they wouldn't get back until it was past time for me to leave for school, this became a habit my senior year that one of my teachers asked me one day what the problem was as she was getting ready to send me to dentition for my share of tradies when i told her what was going on she made it a point that as long as i checked in with her before i went to my class she would talk with that teacher and made sure that i was not counted as late even if that meant that i had to be at school on saturday to make up the class work due. so to get back on track i said all that to say that i did feel use because if at any point i told my dad that i didn't want to watch my brother he would get upset and said that it was his house and if i wanted to live there that i need to do what he told me to do. i think that both me and my sister have picked up on this and we hang a lot of things over each others  heads until the other one does one of two things gives in or gives up. i am still like this with my dad it helps that i am about a whole state away from him. i want to believe that my dad was trying his best and looking at his childhood i could say that he was doing better. don't me wrong i love my dad and out of 5 kids i think that only 2 of us can say that but there is some much in my life that i think could have been better if my dad would have changed when he had that chance. i have been hearing the same lines my whole life, and no my little has to hear them too but i think that she will not go though what i went though she is a firecracker if i ever met one she is only 6 but you will never have to worry about what she is thinking she will let you know. i have very few fears about her i think that she can get disrespectful and when i tell my day that he would never let talk like that he tells me that there is almost 20 years between us and that is wants to do things differently. so in short i have lots of walls that i have put up because of my dad and i am slowly putting them down because i am learning what a fathers love can be like God has been so good to me and i will never look back on the decison that i made to follow him 9+ years ago. i thank God for also showing me that a earthly  father can show me the same love i have some pretty awesome examples of Fathers here in Portland 2 that stand above all would be my great friend Don who i know only wants the best for me and shows and tells me that he loves me every time that i see him. and the the other would be my best friends dad who is so old school it awesome. i really can't wait for the day that i have a daughter and i get to see her with her dad i pray everyday that my daughter will know how much she is loved but not just her earthly parents but more so by her heavenly father.  and i hope that it will be her father that lets her know how much she is loved by both her fathers. 

I think therefore i am ?

hey Zesters, so today i am sitting in a coffee shop, and i am thinking about the last few days, it has been kind of crazy but never before have i felt God's love more : ) i have something coming up next week that is going to be life changing i am sure that i will let you all know sooner then later, so i was thinking about a few things that have not been setting well with me one of them you all know has to be RAY what  is it about this guy that drives me up the wall in a good way.  i am not sure but i am falling for this guy like i never have for anyone and the idea of him not returning the feelings is scary way more then it ever has with anyone i thought that i was crazy about Scott and yes he is great looking and he is a sweet heart but Lord knows that i was crazy for ever liking him i knew from the start that i had no chance with him. and to be honest it never really bothered me, and i think that the same could be said about Keefe even with everyone telling me that we would never work, i couldn't see it i had to let it go on my own. and now he and i are great friends.  but even with them i was not worried about anything like i am worried about RAY i feel like i am well i am not sure i know that when i met him that i only saw him as a friend (not that i had much of an option in that area he was seeing someone ) and to be honest when i did realize that i liked him i was trying everything i could to get him off my mind i felt like he was going to marry that girl and i wanted to be happy for him when he told us that he was engaged. i love hanging out with him but i am finding that with my secret that i am not sure if i can do it much longer i do know that in the past that when i would make plans with him that i would invite other friend to come with us i can't trust myself with him i hate being in the car alone with him. just i hate the wondering if i am alone in my feelings or what he is thinking, i must say that i do like when we are in the car that he puts the radio on my favorite station, and that he took the time to get to know so many random things about me and to be honest i am not if that is him being a friend or if its something more.  i hate thinking about it because i can't talk to anyone about it but i like chatting with you all about it : ) i love that at the moment i don"t have anyone that i know that reads this on a regular basis it allows me to be a open as i need to be. ok well that is enough about RAY for now but zesters you all that there is more to come


the other thing that i hasn't been sitting well with me is WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE ? i am  a life planner i have always be one and then one day God took my plan and though it out the window and i have been in the air so to speak ever since. and every time that i feel like i have gotten my feet on the ground something happens so that  they can't stay there long like right now i have no place to live i have been staying with a friend for the last month but i know that it is not home and it feels like it. i think that this is other reason that things with RAY don't with me.  i know that i would one day like to either be a High School History teacher or a lawyer ( i am thinking more history teacher) but to do that i need to finish my degree and in order to do that i need a job so that i can pay for school and at the moment it doesn't look like i am going to be doing that anytime soon :( i just want need Jesus to show up in a big way bigger then ever i need to see that there is something better then what i am doing

working on a new me :)

hey zesters so something that I have always wanted to do is to get off the couch and start losing weight :) i have never made it past a week of working out and food is my weakness :( ... but this time i am for real for the next year i will work my ass off in the gym as well as with my food i would like to be down about 100 lbs by April 1 2013 :) this is something that has been with me my whole life being made fun of because of my weight or not being able to go shopping with friends in certain stores because i can"t fit anything i am ready to feel like i am part of the world again i don"t want to think twice about if i like a guy is he going to like me even though i am big.  today is day one of the rest of my life.


 March 11 2012
starting weight 305lbs

size 22/24



Goal


April 1 2013
weight : 205
size 10/12

I Just want a Job :(

i have been working since i was 15 years old i love working i love having my own money to do whatever i want to do.

i should back up some back in sept i had this feeling that i i needed to do whatever it took to get back into school and i want a degree.  so though i had a job that was paying the bills working as a nanny i was not 100 % happy and after 3 years i made the choice to leave. although working as a nanny can't just give a 2 week notice you need to give your notice way head of time so i was thinking i have 3 months + to find something and i did find something that was not very many hours but it was something. the day that i went in to fill out my paperwork i found out that the store was closing for 3 months but when they opened again that they would have more hours for me and so i started thinking ok i just need to get though the next 3 months i can so that will after 3 weeks or so i found out that the store was just closing and not reopening ok well then this means that i have no job and no way to get back into school :( awesome then my roommate tells me that we have a month left in the house ok awesome so no i have no job and i am not in school and i have no place to live i am feeling like such a winner.  i was blessed enough to have a friend in the making that had a room that she was willing to let me stay in for a few months until i found work i am so grateful but now i am praying my little head off to find work i have spent days putting in applications and have had my share of interviews with not one offer made to me :( i am not sure what else i could do i have bills piling up and i have my share of stress i started to get angrey with God how is it that i have had a life time of hell to have to keep going though it. i am not sure what there is left for me to do i see friends getting work and i am so happy for them and i don't want them to fell bad about being excited for their forturne because they were in the same place and it gives me hope that it won"t be like this for long.  but for now i will keep praying and doing my part to find work and if anyone knows of anything please let me know i would love to get back to work and at this point i would do anything. 

Happy New Year

this is a post that i though i put up looks like i never did so here you go :) 



Well, Welcome to 2012,
life so far has not been the best, i didn't get into school, and now i have no job :(. yes January bills are covered but i have no food or any money to get any food but i have been blessed by my best friend who brought me a few things that she had :) which i am more then grateful for.  in the middle of all of this i called my dad telling him that i wanted to go home, which i want just because i have this idea of my dad taking care of me and i would be able to go to school and work part time.

when i first moved to Portland it was never about staying here it was more of a summer thing something to do so that when i went back to school and people asked me what i did for the summer i could tell them that i went to portland and worked and met some cool people.


it became more of well i think that God has me here for a reason so i am going to stay and get my grades up and see what happens for next semester.  will next semester turned into ok lets finish out the school year to ok i am not sure that i want to go back to Vanguard, lets see what else is out there. to ok things are not the best but they are better then what they were so lets stay here for ungrad then we will see what God wants us to do.


so whenever i have a low moment all i want to do is pack up and move back to cali although i know that is not the best thing for me to do now or ever again. i love my dad but i also know that i have changed so much in the last 6 years that i am not sure that i could put up with his BS any more i can see what is going on and i could choose to go with it or not but i am not that kind of person i know that i will let him treat me however he wanted and even though it would piss me off i would put up with it :(


so while are not great i know that they will get better and anything in portland is better then what i could have in california

I Can not wait until May 1 2012

hey Z esters :) ( i like this one )
so things with RAY are getting a little harder :( I have never felt like this about anyone i think that this guys is amazing and i want to tell him that he is someone that i want to get to know more. i have promised myself that i will not say anything about it until after my birthday ^ you see when i was 16 i made a promise to God that i would stay single until i was 25 i think that there is a lot that God wanted to do in my life and i think that i would loss focus if there was someone else in the picture with me now i know that there is no guarantee that he feels the same in fact that is something that i have been working though one this has been the color issue i have never care that my ex's were white and i think that the first guy that i ever said i love you too was white ( i was 14 and really did mean it at the time not sure if it is the same now ) but with this guy after the "crush" feelings passed i got this feeling of oh what the heck i am not even sure that he would understand the 2 different worlds it has never and again i say never bothered me being the only black person in a crowed in fact 8 times out of 10 its going to happen because of the scene that i am in i am a prep that loves country (not a whole lot of blacks in this world ) but when i realized that i had true  feelings for him it came on stronger i became so aware of it all and it made me feel so uneasy. however yesterday we were hanging out and i had this feeling that i should share it so i told him that how i felt about the whole color thing and the first thing out of his mouth is that he didn't even notice that i was just other one of his friends which made me smile




i would love to write me but i am going to hang out with some babies and i need to get ready :)

this is Orange and i am out :)

25 Reasons why i can see myself in love with you :)

1. you have the BIGGEST heart for God 
2. you have an amazing heart for people 
3. your friends mean the world to you 
4. you love country music 
5. you are heart is to be a husband ( you are going to be a great Husband)
6. you want to be a father sooner then later 
7. your are awesome with kids ( i know that you are going to be a great father ) 
8. you know more then one Language 
9. you always want to learn something new 
10. you are so close with your family 
11. you are an amazing cook 
12. you are an awesome teacher 
13. you are a great listener 
14. you give great advice 
15. you are so cute : ) even when you fart when you think no is around or when your nose runs because it is so cold 
16. you are you 
17. i miss you when you are gone even though we are just friends 
18. you can make me smile when i want to cry
19. you remind me that i may not be where i want to be but i need to be glad that i am not were i was 
20. you call me beautiful when you think that i can't hear you 
21. you flirt with me shamelessly
22. when ever i see you or think about you my heart skips a beat 
23. i hate when i have to go a day without seeing or talking to you 
24. you want to know me for me 
25. you see the me who i can be even when i don't

umm really ?

hey Zesters,
     Still trying out a few names for you all  : ). but i wanted to give you all an update on life.  not that things have gotten any better but i think that my out look has.  i found out a week ago that i was am going to have to move in the next month : ( i love were i live i love the area and i am not sure that i will find anything that i like more then this. but something that my friend said the other made me think. we were talking about ( i think that i want a name for him so that i can write about him,  what do you all think about RAY :) from my favorite movie ) ok so we were talking about RAY don"t worry i have stories to tell you about him :) but she said as great as he is if he is not the one there is going to be someone better out there.  so i am going to add it to my housing situation  as great as this place is there is going to be something better for me out there.  i know this to be true because of my church : ) i have lived in Portland for the last almost 6 years for the first 2 years that i was here i was looking for a church but didn't find any thing that i was in love with, so when i moved into my own place in a different part of town i looked for churches near there, i found one that i liked ( so i thought ) but something was off about it , it never felt like home i was there for about 3 years off and on and every-time that i would go to an event i would pray that God would help me feel welcomed and that i would not feel left out of anything or just that it would start to feel like home it never did don't get me wrong there were people there that i feel in love with and i loved being with them even now i want to be with them it is a little harder to see them seeing as i live way on the other side of town.  i think the thing that forced me to face the fact that i shouldn't be there anymore is when i had a big blow up with this guy that i thought was a very good friend of mine and his at the time girlfriend i knew then that there had to be something better out there for me i should have been going to church hoping that people would like me.  at the same time i was looking for a place to live i found a house this house that i am living in at the moment with 3 awesome Gals it felt like home right away : ) they were telling me about their church and i was thinking ok that sounds awesome and i am up for looking for a new church.  when i went to the first Gospel community i felt like i was home ( it helped that i was ) the group was amazing so i kept going and i am still going : ) all that to say i was praying hard that God would make my old church home until i realized that there was better out there (some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers )  ok so now back to RAY which i know you all are dying to know how things are going ; ) while it think are hanging out about the same that we ever have about twice a week and i might see him more then that in passing : ) but he came up in my counseling session the other day ( i will tell you about this in a few days i think that you will like it ; ) any who he came up i hadn't realized how much he has impacted  my life with just being a friend and before anything he is an amazing friend and i think one of the things keeping me from telling him my feelings are that i do not want to mess up our friendship i think i have done that in the past were i have wanted to date the guy so much that i forgot about our friendship i want it to be so different with RAY i have enjoyed getting to know him and his friends outside of the friends we have in common. i enjoy talking to him but what came up in my session was the fact that i have this fear with him that i have never had with any other guy that i have like or even dated. you see RAY is white and i will ---> am not and this has never bothered me   before but i have no idea what he thinks about dating someone who is not white i happen to know that his last 2 girlfriends were white as i am sure that all his girlfriends have been it does bother me a bit to think that he wouldn't date just because the color of my skin.  however as i am praying about this i think that i will be ok and if he is the one that i will date and maybe even marry then God would work it out, until then i am going to be the best friend i know how to be : )

Things that I could use prayer for :

•  that God would protect my heart when it comes to RAY 
• that i would know how to be a friend to him and not worry about being his next girlfriend 
• that i find housing sooner then later 
• that i am able to find work sooner then later 

taking a min to thank God

so this evening my best friend came over to hang out we were cooking and listening to music and the song theres hope by India Arie came on and i started thinking there is so much to be thankful for in this time where i can find everything wrong with life.  i know that i am a worrier that is how i have always been thinking that  have other choice,  so i know in my head that i don't have to worry about finding work or how bills are going to be paid for i just know that they are but for some reason it is just not connecting in my heart i want to be able to trust that God will provide and when i am not in the middle of the storm i know that to be true but while in the storm me in all my humanness is looking for a way to take care of this on my own :( i just know that i am not strong enough to do it on my own and i am not one that likes to ask for help thinking that everything can be done by me or if i don't do it that it is not going to be done right or the way that i want it done.


but i can say that i am thankful for so many unexpected things

• Gracie taking me shopping 
• kathy give my work and the paying more then i was expecting 
• an IV student that i don't really know giving me money 
• having all the money i need for rent cell phone and PGE 
• being able to go away for the weekend a celebrate God goodness

things that i need prayer for

1. that God would protect my heart when it comes to this guy 
2. that God would provide work and a study job 
3. that funds would come though for me to go back to school 
4. that i would be able to confess with my mouth AND believe in my heart that God is bigger then what the world can throw at me 
5. that i would be able to go stright to God with all my problems and not to my friends 
6. that God would start to heal my family so that i would feel comfortable going to them with things 

Jesus i seal these things in your name AMEN 

Keeping a pure heart

Hey Zesties :) ( trying a few different  names this month to which works best :)

 any who life this past few weeks has been so crazy it makes me want to cry i have also seen more blessings then i know what to do with :)

so where do i begin lets start at the start of the year :)

well as some of you know i worked as a nanny for the last 3 years it was a job that i loved and hated all at the same time i knew there was no way that i would move up in the family ( the hate part ) but i was so in love with my kiddos that it was crazy just to see them grow and change would make my heart melt :) anywho i told the mom and dad last sept. that i was thinking about leaving at the end of the year thinking that i would be back in school and that i would need something that was just a little less demanding of my time and energy. so i started job hunting in like Nov. i thought that i had a job lined up for when i left the kids that i would have one week off and then head back to school full time and work part time ok well didn't get into school and when i went to go and fill out my paperwork for my new job they told me that the store was closing for reservations for the next 3 months and that there would be no hours for me :( so now i am not in school and i have no job :(

on top of all of this there is this guy :( which at any other time i would be crazy happy about and if i am honest i am really happy about.  he is amazing and i can't say much about him just yet because he doesn't know :( but there are a few things that i can talk about that will not id him things such as : how he has an amazing heart for God ( that would have to be a given if i like him ) he has a heart for people and he is a natural born leader outside of the fact that he is not hard on the eyes at all :)  i love who i am when i am with him i am me with no smoke and no mirrors yet i still have these insecurities one of them being that i know that he has few black friends and i know that in Portland only he only has about 3  (which is not saying much and i would love to talk about that on another post :) so for me i start to think well what would he think about dating a black girl? or a girl that doesn't have a car or a job or a girl that is overweight ? how do i sort though all of this stuff at the time being i see him flirting with this other girl and my ind goes right to oh he likes her better or i could see them together.  even looking at 2 of his ex girlfriends i can see somethings that are clearly not the same and i am not sure how to handle that in my heart or in my mind. whats more is that i know that for myself i am not dating until i turn 25 which is about 3 1/2 months away so in this time that is promised to God he could totally start dating someone new.


so i think my question to all of you is ... do i keep it to myself for the next 3 months or do i tell him ? and if the latter how do i find out the answers to my questions for him? and whats more is how do i knowing that i like continue to be just friends with him? there are somethings that i know that i need to start doing things like side hugs i am so big on this when i talk to high school girls i know to follow my own rules. i have also started talking to woman in my church about it and seeking their advice and words of wisdom i try never to hang out with him alone but it has happened and i have stop shearing my heart with him ( this is pretty new given that i just did a whole download about 5 days ago )



i just want to know how do i keep my heart in God's  hands and not on my sleeve or anywhere near this guy until we know if he is going to be some guy that i date :) it is crazy how happy he makes me and we are just friends he makes me want to do everything different from anything i have done before he without knowing it makes me want to be a better person .


i was thinking how i was telling a friend today how a few months ago a friend of mine told me that he thought that i had liked him ( which was somewhat true ) but how he didn't think that he was in the right place with God to date anyone at the moment.  this in itself is a cop out and that is all i am going to say on that for now.  but about 3 weeks after telling me this i find out that he is dating a girl from church,  i was so hurt by this, how could he not be in the right place with God to date me ( which i am not sure i even wanted to date him i just had this like high school crush on him ) but it all changes in 3 weeks for this other girl ?  i think i get it now he was not telling me the whole story i think it would have saved our friendship had he said something to me after they started dating. i later found out that he had liked his now girlfriend for over a year and never felt like he was good enough for her. until he found out that he was :) that is kind of how i feel with this guy should someone declare feelings for me i would tell them the same thing that i am not in the right place to date anyone i think that i would tell them something like there is someone else that i think i am waiting for ( yes this is harsh ) but i refuse to us God as a cop out i am sorry i had somewhere that i was going with that story but i am not sure we ever made it there


at this point i think it is just me getting thoughts out which this blog is all about any way

so yeah that is where i am at at the time being i think that i am going to try to meet with him for coffee sometime soon and tell him how i feel i don't think that i am looking for anything out of this i just think that i need to let him know how i feel and he can do with that information as he will my only hope is that our friendship doesn't change.  if i am being honest with myself i think our friendship changed the day that i realized that i liked him :(